Uncle Pete-O : How to save money on rice.

Our latest recruit and contributor to the blog : Uncle Pete-O our resident relationship and conspiracy analyst (he asked me he’d like it spelt it “analist” but you can’t always give uncle Pete-o full editorial authority over his own writing). This week he reflects upon the global economic “new world order” (his words) produced economic crisis and teaches us how to save money on rice.

It’s been a while since my Russian mail order bride tragically “mysteriously” and for no obvious reason “killed herself” by jumping out of my penthouse window while I was nowhere close at the time and Jim will confirm this (if he knows what’s good for his kids). Maids like everything in this god damn reptilian ruled planet are getting expensive and you generally aren’t supposed to fuck them according to society and its scent candle wielding
hippies. So I thought it about time I put in for a new one .

This time however I was determined to do things right. No more Russians as they cost you a fortune on vodka and potatoes and rather inconveniently have personalities. At first my mind leaned towards something spicy yet cheap. Mexican perhaps, or maybe Thai. Finally good sense prevailed and I decided on Asian as I could just plonk down some cheap rice and water and be done with it.

One look through the Internet and a few clicks and soon my future wife was jetting off to meet me. Well it wasn’t quite that easy. They refused my payment in silver bullion and I had to dust off the cocaine off the old credit card. World Zionist bankers 1, Uncle Pete-o zero.

I arrived at the airport only to find the first in a long stream of disappointments. She was standing there ,pretty as her pictures, but without a leash or cage in sight. I was very specific about this with the travel agent but she’d obviously thought I was joking. Uncle Pete-o doesn’t joke when it comes to humans and physical restraints over their freedom of movement. Lucky I had a pair of handcuffs and soon the matter was settled and off I dragged her to Customs to declare her while she yelled in some ching chong language crap attracting stares from hippies.

I get to customs and and promptly told by a snotty little man that she is a person not a commodity and thus doesn’t need to be declared. I told him “don’t be ridiculous man , she’s a woman !” Things reached the absurd when I started to try rip her top off to expose the obvious truth but he said that was strictly not necessary and I was missing the point. Much arguing and frustration ensued and it turns out the little twat technically was right . It was explained to me that by what I can only assume is some form of sick legal joke apparently “the law” states that women in fact are not commodities but in fact have rights. What next I thought …give them the fucking vote ? Ha ha ha .

Anyway I was pointed to the direction of immigration and soon matters were cleared up and I confirmed that I would play allong with this charade. My bride to be kept insisting immigration was “up” somewhere by pointing with her middle finger. Ah, these cultural quirks.

Anyway , I drive her home , uncuff her and show her room in the basement. In the interim she’s been trying to talk and say things in some stupid language . I think of beating her there and then but I settle for gesturing with the mute button on the remote control. She gets the idea, shuts up and I reckon we’re going to get along just fine. Things are going brilliantly but then late at night I’m awoken by the sounds of her rattling her chains. Fine I thought, she’s from a communist country (China). Time for her to learn about political dissent. What better way I thought , than teaching her to ‘hunger strike” .

And that’s my friends , is “how to save money on rice” .